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it's really amazing....the kind of wake up call you think you're giving out but actually it's waking YOU up. kays so yesterday like during ep...yeah i kinda got pissed yesterday...totally brought my morale down. but i'm pretty fine with it now. maybe quite happy i got out of being with them. but yeah...i mean like everybody knew PERFECTLY well i wasn't exactly at my highest yesterday.
so sarah was being hyper yesterday and i dunno....it seemed that (even thru msn) her hyperness always brings me down...making me feel worse and physically and mentally tired. no offence sarah...it's not your fault. but she was really nice like trying to cheer me up and everything. =D
i think i shouldn't have published that post on the class blog yesterday. it's like sarah and beatrice were sort of bugging me about whether i was referring to them. *sigh* i don't want to hurt them or anything so i didn't say anything either. i mean okay if i don't like somebody then so be it right?
after that post was published, i knew that loads of people are gonna become life long enemies with me. why do i find it easier to make enemies than make friends?
i was writing a story yesterday and it sorta portrayed how i really felt. i think i'll type it out just to let ya'll know. (it's not meant to be great or anything so please dont' critique)
With tears welling up in my hard, cold eyes, i sprinted home. With every step i took, my sling bag slammed against my back, it's keychains making innocent jingling noises. Soon, i slowed down to a walk, but my tears took this as an opportunity to speed up.
My bitchy neighbour stepped out of her house just as i arrived at my gate. She took one glance at me and slipped on a mask of sympathy.
"Oh my...what happened to you?"
I shoved her out of my way and murmured, "Do both of us a favour and bugger off."
"Language my dear girl!" she exclaimed but turned around, muttering a swear word.
I flung my bag onto the floor and drowned myself in all the work i got, wallowing in my own world of darkness and despair. [i dunno if i used the word correctly] Looking back at all that i have experienced that day, my heart felt heavy and overflowing with depression. I had enough of people ostracizing me already. Is it my breath? my attitude? why am i treated like such an outcast? Why am i always taken advantage of?
Can't people just make up their minds. i was told off for being too harsh with my words. so i tried to soften down and guess what? people take advantage of the fact that i'm trying to change FOR them.
okay i think i'll stop here cuz the rest of the story sounds really bad.
as most of you should have already seen and known, i have been cutting myself. but it's not so serious...it's not like i cut myself until i bleed. nah i cut myself just to leave a mark there. and no i don't do it cuz it's cool to be emo. i do it cuz i like the feeling. it doesn't help me release anything but i don't exactly feel pain when i cut myself. but recently i've been making deeper ones because the previous ones always go away after one day. let's see if i can make it last one week.
i didn't really give up burning so don't get your hopes high sarah. burning still makes me feel good but it reminds me too much of how it can relate to my life so much...so i don't do it too often now. besides...my lighter is running low and if i buy one my parents will just freak out.
and yup i'm not joining sailing anymore because i found out you have to go and gain a lot of weight to weigh downt he boat and i'm too light and i'll have to put on ALOT of weight. so i decided to stick with band and join odac too...that way when i get bored with band or most likely annoyed with that b***h, i can stick with odac. hopefully i get into the dragon boat team. =D
i'm feeling unaturally tired today. i shldn't be. i just came back from running! pfft. i'm happy i finished my maths and with sarah's help managed to figure out the bloody pattern for question two. i'm going to be a good girl today and go and buy assessments for maths. i think i'll get notes for science too. phew.
FYI i made 8 cuts yesterday but today only 5 made it through the night. isn't that sad. last time i made 9 cuts and only 3 survived. but once i made two and they survived.i made them during the maths test.
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FARK FARK FARK FARK FARK. and for the last time. FARK.
dammit. why can't my dad just let me live my own life. if i want to quit band then let me! what the hell is wrong with that?? it's not like as if i'm committing some sort of ohso terrible and hideous unimaginable crime right? hey, i've got a life you know. i mean i'm ACTUALLY grown up. i'm SURE you don't have a problem with that. i'm not interested in band. full stop. you don't have to keep on bugging me about why i lost my interest in band. it's just like one day you have this craving for laksa. then the next thing you know, when the laksa comes, you lost it. why? i don't know. maybe your brain is malfunctioning or MAYBE maybe my brain actually has feelings and something about the laksa stimulates something inside my brain that makes it decide that laksa is fattening and therefore i shall not eat it because i have just burnt 500 calories. that's okay right? i mean that's how we live. by making decisions that are affected by things around us.
let's talk about band now. let's say i am interested in band because my bro is quite INTO band. band is his life; GOD told him to go and be in band. why? i don't know. it's GOD here. so maybe i was sorta interested in band cuz of my bro. he's into it so why don't i give it a shot? yeah i gave it a shot and look at where i am right now. i'm probably the worst french horn player in the entire section with the worst attitude *that always seems to be the case*. so why am i wasting my time in band. i'm the worst. i lost my interest because something stimulated something in my brain's stem cells. so what do i do? i QUIT. duh. that's the most logical thing to do right at this very moment. why should i continue with band if i don't like it which would be wasting precious time here.
but noooooooo. my dad just HAS to go on and on about how i always give up on things halfway *which is partly true by the way* and how he won't let me quit until he gets a proper reason as to why i lost my interest. and NOW he wants me to go and talk to Mrs Kuan and tell her about how i am losing interest in band and now he also wants me to give him her number so that he will be able to talk to her about it. i've never felt so pissed in my life! if i want to quit then let me freaking quit! what's your problem? it's not even your life! if i'm interested in sailing and i want to do sports because i'm not a music person but an outdoor person then let it be! why do you have to keep on harping on the fact that i always give up halfway and losing interest is not a valid reason! what then is a valid reason to you? if i tell you that i am stressed because i can't balance work and band then you will say i have poor time management just like the band teachers. if i say i don't like the seniors then you will say let me call the band teachers or something like that. anything i say you have an excuse and you won't let me quit band. so what's the point of talking to you in the first place? they say if there's anything wrong with your life, go to your parents or your teachers and talk to them about it. GOD would be a way better option only you can't really talk to Him face to face. Counsellors would be SO much better than parents or teachers because they are there to make you feel better and that's the only thing they can do or they'll lose their jobs. Let me quit band for crying out loud! i hate band and i dont' want to have anything to do with it so LET OFF AND LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!
phew. now that's out, let's talk about church today. no offence Lisa if i'm using something that you copyrighted but church was a BLAST today. it was fantastic. although the sermon was quite boring *no offence Pastor Boon Yeong* but the baptism session was great. it's so refreshing and relieving to know that there are still people in this world who want to be dedicated to GOD. Yi Ling got baptised today and so did Ashleigh, Zelia, Marcus and Lucas. i can already tell who is going to be the more playful twin. Lucas. he made this really funny gesture when Pastor Boon Yeong put the water on his head. but marcus didn't do anything. he looked quite stunned. just like all the other infants. but there was one who was so cute! she like vibrated so much when she was baptised. CUTE MAN. oh yeah CONGRATS YILING ON GETTING BAPTISED. hope your life will be renewed and you will live a godly life! *try to make sense during BS okay...you very chim..i know you are a tuition teacher but be a bit simpler can?*
had the parent-leader meeting today. found out that the merge of TNYF and PUNJ will be on the 27th of May. that's great. now i can attend service with my bro. LOL. and this new group will be called STAR. bah i had enough of stars already. i realised that even my sister can attend the service together then we can all go for youth camp at the end of the year together. brrrr...sounds like a nightmare. brother and sister and me all together. freaky...
okay i'm being a really naughty girl now because i'm supposed to be doing LIT but i really can't be bothered. but yet i have to pass it up tomorrow....how sad....
guess i'll bug off now. crappy lit.
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i am feeling terribly lethargic. just thinking of the pile of homework i have yet to complete makes me sick. plus, the thought of me failing Lit is absoloutely torturous. and to top it all off, i just found out i have some weird photo album virus thingy that makes me send my photo album to everybody in my contacts for no apparent reason. freaky... but i found it only happens on msn so windows messenger is alright.
bleh. i'm doing my lit IPW right now and it's totally pissing me off. i just cannot think right now and i am NOT in the mood to do lit. ugh i feel so low nowadays. i'm tired of living already and i'm barely 13. it's like the whole world's turning against me and i'm starting to notice everyone's change in their behaviour towards me. and no it's not good. D'=
and i'd just like to address a certain someone. i shall call you %. right. so %, yeah sure you seem like a really nice person and all but the real you is starting to surface day by day. i have no right to judge you but i think that you are pretty arrogant and a miss know-it-all. you always look down on other people. like as if you can do anything better than them. you think that you are always the top. always the best. and you're just another kind of those people who only hang out with the ''cool'' people, the people who are popular, talk a lot, interesting. you hardly care about anyone else but yourself. i'm sick and tired of being taken advantage of and being seen as someone you can just make fun of or be nice friends with whenever you feel like it. what's wrong with you? split brains? grrr. piss off.
bleah. i'm starting to be emo. just like the last time last year. it's annoying. why does everything have to happen to me. ever since that girl # entered my life, everybody's been turning their backs to me. probably gossiping too.
okay no time to blog now. IJ FIESTA rocked yesterday. got wet. need to do work now. bleah. bah. pfft.