ENTRIES
[
Monday, July 07, 2008]
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HELLOOOOOO
missed me y'all? great this blog's like frigging dead and i don't even have updates from beijing. but heck all i have to say is
WE GOT THE DAMN GOLD! 8.51 PTS THANK YOU VERY MUCH!hahhah yep, so you can be proud of us, we didn't (and we will never) bring down the standard of the arts in IJ kay!
Beijing was a hell lot of fun, esp the TENSION moments with Beatrice and the
secret feasts at night with Agnes C-H-_-NG!, YinYing, Liana and occasionally Phyllis :D loads of fun man, can't wait for the next band trip, or even just school trip :D
nothing much to say right now cuz life's a bit moody. Yesterday was a big day, esp during Youth service which i totally skipped cuz of my breakdown. THANK YOU SO MUCH
Clare and
Tammy for being such wonderful "cousellors" and friends and always being there for me even at my lowest points of life. and yeah, thanks for those who attempted to wait for me outside the stinky toilet which i don't even know how i managed to tolerate for so bloody long and thanks to those who asked if i was okay cuz this really encourages me esp when I'm so confused about all this "true" friendship and all this "love" issues.
yeah, i guess (according to a lot of people) i was PMS-ing quite a bit ytd and i'm really sorry if i affected anyone in anyway. but yeah i'm kinda confused and i dont' really know what to do about certain issues i'm keeping in right now. all this friendship shit and all this i love you, you love me shit is really weighing down on me considering friendship and love are probably the two most important aspects of one's life with the group of friends i have now.
it's like everybody around me has all their fantastic close buddies and they're all going on about how they have so much fun doing so much stupid stuff and how they're so open about each other and all that. i mean, sure i've got close friends but i think i'm still having trouble being convinced that they're really close friends. i mean clare's mentioned about all that feeling thing, that you can sense it if they're really true to you and if they're really willing to be there for you no matter what. i guess it takes time...
but it's been 4/5/1 and 1/2 years. how long do i have to wait? or must i wait at all?
and about love. ah, i shouldn't even be talking about this. i'm really confused. it's like the people around me are all getting into relationships and stuff and i always feel like the third party cuz it always turns out that my close friend is the one getting into relationships. i don't know if i'm jealous or if i'm just hurt that they don't spend as much time with me or what. like i said, i'm really confused.
ah well, at least i got better. thanks again churchies :D
i think i may switch to xanga. i need opinions. maybe i should just get a diary and be done with it. hahaha! okay i think i need to sleep now. i must sleep early cuz of a special day tmr.
procastinating at 6:38 AM
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[
Wednesday, June 04, 2008]
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Yo Peace y'all!
i'm proud to announce that i have
finally finished all my holiday hwk
EXCEPT the lit prose and one of zhou ji and the marco polo thingummyit. i am infinitely proud of my hard work, considering i won't have much time during the rest of the "hellidays" to complete anything anyway. i have like zilch time in church camp plus only less than a week before beijing when i come back.
i STILL haven't finished doing my shopping (psst, i saved $93! +D) plus i don't really think that our band is up to Beijing standard yet
whatever that is. i mean it's kinda freaky that there are gonna be
INTERNATIONAL bands competing for the same GOLD that we want. plus i can't stand the fact that there will be Japanese bands there to trash us. i bet they're just gonna come and breeze through the competitiong and stomp on the rest of us. i'll bet even the Thai bands are just as good. this is ridiculous, how are we gonna get the damn gold at this rate? i mean dude, we're the LAST group playing! d'you know how frigging tired the judges will be of Dona Nobis Pacem?! how the heck are we gonna stand out and shine man?
i think i'm gonna cry. how can Dona sound so good on the recording AND have so much tragedy, emotions, pain and yet be so graceful at the same time? it's so beautiful i just feel like breaking down right now and inserting that damn horn solo into Stephanie's horn! and the CORNETS WITH MUTES! how can it sound so free and boundaryless?! how can the song sound so grand, so HOLY?! this really demoralises me. how does it help if i listen to the recordings everyday and the rest of the band doesn't? so only i know what the real thing sounds like but the rest don't? that's bullshit man!
i'm freaking getting goose pimples.
sigh, it's like the real thing is that good. but there is always a better standard. there is never perfection, nor is there ever a best in music. a professional can always aim to beat himself, you, after all are the only person standing in your way to perfection, which on the negative side you will never seem to reach, only if you have the right mindset.
but how the hell do we reach the highest standards ever if we can't even beat the stupid recording?! therein lies the paradox.
merry widow sounds nice on the recordings too. the happy part and the tragic part totally contradict each other and it's really beautitful. i think merry widow is actually the only song that we can actually play without screwing up that badly. i just can't stand the syncopation shit. argh, this is getting really frustrating.
you can actually hear the bloody triplets at the beginning. Lord save us
ah well, on the bright side i won't be going for the exchange with Bendemeer, a school i never really liked ANYWAY. so that's one good part.
moving on to a brighter topic, i'm going for CHURCH CAMP so don't miss me too much. i'm pretty hyped for camp since i'm going ROOM HOPPING! first night i'm sleeping with clare, second night with jez and krystal, third night with tammy and clare, fourth night the whole gang go gatecrash yi ling's hotel +D it's gonna be SO much fun! and yes i will diligently listen to all three competition pieces 3 times over every single day. sigh, i'm gonna be soooo sick of them.
OH! y'know i borrowed three REALLY sadistic books >:D oh i feel gooood. the first one's about this manical homicidal murderer who murders his victims according to the first letter of their surname and the town they live in. so let's say you have a Nick Ng. so this murderer will kill nick at letsay... Ngee Ann City. yeah something like that. it's really cool, i'm still in the middle of it.
then the second one is about this guy who is kinda insane so he kills people and then he hangs them up or FRAMES them up in contorted positions and calls them art. it's called the Death Collector. damn cool but i haven't started on it yet. planning to bring it to camp. +D
and the third one's kinda... bad. it's about this satanic cult who are out to kill for sacrifices for
antichrist reasons and stuff like that. it sounds kinda cool so i'm giving it a shot. it's called (Catholics please don't kill me) Purgatory's Gate.
yep so all these sadistic books are gonna keep me going through the June Hellidays +D i think i'm gonna have fun. plus i have Beatrice's Tenth Circle to help balance the sadist scale.
righty i'm gonna go indulge in Japanese dramas now. so hang me.
procastinating at 12:33 AM
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[
Monday, May 26, 2008]
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Lurking in the Darkness
or bathing in Glory
What joy to curse
one's end in Gory
The simplicity of it
so vulnerable it becomes
yet all fear, have fits
of perpetual end
I crave i wish
i desire i want
to finish this off
with pride and honour
Oh dilemmas behold!
with what shall i cut?
with what shall i seize
this wondrous mutt?
Death it is! Kill
murder annihilate
asphyxiate choke
strangle waste it
the choices delight me
to go in style
to fade in disgust
say farewell or spit in hate
But wait! a sudden turn
of events charge at me
the hand of grief clutches my heart
a friend must go against her will
in anguish the heavens open
drops of despair fall from the Highest
i droop in shame my soul is torn
apart by the sheer elementary
no wrong she has done
no law she has broken
no sin she has committed
no end she has craved
yet with such hopes she pushes
with such strength she portrays
her exuberant self pushes me
to humiliation
her fault it wasn't her heart was pure
but to no one the blame was pushed
upon no one anger was beaten
for her faith and love outshone all
now i remember
now i recall
my reason for breathing
for living on
the seduction of nature
the appeal of relationships
the love of the others
the glory of overcoming
i live for the triumph
i live for the peace
i live for the joy
i live for the wonders
this is my reason
despite all odds
despite all changes
this is my reason
friends may betray
enemies may succumb
strangers may draw closer
lovers may hurt
but the beauty of faith
the beauty of trust
the beauty of love
touches us all.
procastinating at 10:27 PM
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[
Saturday, May 24, 2008]
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Hellooo! I am Lindsay Lohan!HAPPY 14TH PINKIE!guess what? I'm still older than you! (shut up about all that 'i'm maturer' bullshit) hahahaha! I hope you're having a killer whale of a time right now cuz i know i'm hell not, being stuck with all the bullshitty homework we got for the *coughs really loudly* (gazillion quotion marks) "holiday" and the fact that my butt refuses to respond to the pleas (well, i guess the wee back of my head, the little tiny voice in my head that's whining) my brain is attempting to send to get the shit off the chair and do something useful and get that bullshit fullscap paper!
But yeah, you're 14. this is when we finally sink into teenage phase of life and start annoying our parents a lot about all that 'you don't spend enough time at home' or 'we can't communicate' bullshit. yup, life could start sucking right now or start being a real party of your life. but all this depends on how you look at the stuff that's happening around you. i know you think your life sucks like shit right now but hell yeah, so what? i think my life sucks pretty bad right now but hey, on the outside i look pretty good right? so yeah, always put on a positive
outlook (notice the OUT) and if you've got any complains about life let it all out somewhere where nobody but you can see it. one day, 20 years from now you'll look back on this book (or whatever you let it out on) and laugh your funny ass off about how ridiculous and petty all these things that got you so heated up were.
it happened to me. i was having a pretty shit year last year but now that i'm looking back on my diary, i sometimes burst out laughing at all the ridiculous things i got so pissed and burnt out everything on 5 pages of my diary. now that you're 14, have the mature state of mind to handle your problems properly and always think
What would Jesus do?Happy Birthday Pinkie, and thanks for all those years of friendship.
moving on, i have decided to
S damn this shitty ass decision K i can't believe i'm skipping my first overseas camp with Tammy! I i can't believe i'm actually letting band come into my walk with God! P This is ginormous huge humongous BULLSHIT! Church camp. D+ this sucks BIG TIME okay, i really can't believe i have to forgo all that fun in Malacca for what? for some stupid exchange with Bendemeer, some school i don't even LIKE, for some stupid audition thingummyit with Sir and a briefing on the itenary from the vendor and some (maybe not so stupid) workshop with Mr Nonami. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. what kind of bad decision making is this? i dont' WANT to skip church camp for band. it's such a fucking hard decision to make!
it's either stay in singapore and handle all this stuff for band which will probably help me to improve and all and get me pretty hyped up for the Beijing trip with the itenary and all OR (the big or) i go for church camp and enjoy bonding with my church friends (whom, incidentally i'm pretty close to) and room with some random girl around my age and have fun learning God's Word and stuff like that with late nights and fun days (ROTI PRATA MORNINGS!)
what kind of decisions are those?! i'm barely 14, how the freaking hell am i supposed to choose between these two. WHY MUST THE BAND STUFF HAPPEN ALL WITHIN THE CHURCH CAMP PERIOD?! what kind of bad timing is that? that's like the WORST case of coincidence that's ever happened to me! I WANT to go for the church camp yet one part of me feels damn guilty about missing like THREE practises in a span of what? FIVE DAYS.
this is ridiculous, i don't HAVE to make stupid decisions like this.
i hate this.
procastinating at 5:51 AM
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[
Friday, May 23, 2008]
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I'M OFFICIALLY 14 YEARS OLD, 1 DAY AND 9 HOURS OLD. (well at the time i typed that stuff out)
yup yup, so i'm an oldie now, supposed to be more mature and whatnots. thanks to all who wished me a happy clappy birthday and for all the WONDERFUL presents i received. I LOVED THEM. like seriously speaking.
kay, i don't exactly feel like typing out such a long post cuz i know if i do i will end up rambling on and on about my feelings and all which sucks (what the hell) and this is supposed to be a HAPPY post cuz yesterday was my birthday! which ROCKS incidentally. yup, me and cyn had fun yesterday being tossed up by our crazy friends and all. hahaha!
damnit i need to get a new diary soon. that way i can rant properly and i won't hurt anybody's feelings or whatever. argh, i can't blog anymore. i've lost that zesty thing. that OOMPH. i think i'll just delete this blog. it's pretty useless anyway.
hahahaha okay i shall delete this when i got the time. like 10 million years from now kinda thing.
oh pooh this sucks.
procastinating at 6:36 AM
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[
Tuesday, May 13, 2008]
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i am pissed off.
i really cannot stand the way *numlock* is behaving. seriously, if you can't take it anymore then go deal with it some OTHER way. must i always be treated like your personal stress ball? i don't really give a funny damn if you don't like the way things are going and the way YOU are being treated because i can totally understand why ANYBODY is treating you that way. look at yourself, when things don't go your way you just burst out in complaints and you seriously don't have the human instinct to tell yourself when somebody just DOESN'T want to see, look or hear any part of you at all.
all you can do is complain and you don't do anything about it. you don't even try to change your character or try to think more about what OTHERS think about you. all you do is complain groan and moan about everything and anything under the sun. you can complain for all i care, just don't do it to me.
hmmm, i'm watching some drama marian recommended today- hana yori dango. supposed to be really good and all and it's not turning out to be too bad yet. maths trail was fine today except for the fact that i lost my favourite exam pen there and i have no idea how.
ttfn!
procastinating at 4:38 AM
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[
Thursday, May 08, 2008]
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SCREW SA1 CUZ IT'S OVERWho gives a shit about exams now?! +D i'm actually NOT staring at some stupid intelligent crap in the middle of the night anymore AND I CAN FINALLY RETURN TO BABY BLUES AND ZITSS!!!!! ooooh, i looooove zits. +D i can't believe i can actually use the computer with like
ZILCH guilt!
one downfall. one bad side. one eeeeeevilness to all this.
more time for stephanie to have sectionals with the poor tortured horn section. talk about commitment man, she wants to have sectionals like TOMORROW which is the day her exams actually end! it's outrageous! PLUS it's
the day for the dry runs for IJ fiesta and i get this horrid feeling we're gonna screw up so badly that we have to cancel it. D+
not to mention i may have a section outing on Monday which totally cancels out the plans i had with Beatrice, Pinkie and Sarah!!! and that sucks majorly big time kay. i mean, we're gonna have a section outing on 21st May, BAND outing even. and we'll have a huge huge one from 17 June to 23 June okayy?? just let me have this ONE day, one day in the SCHOOL week for my friends and i for bonding right? :(
went out for lunch at J8 (i know, us poor desolate desperate souls) at the food junction (poor poor souls) and then talk talk talk talk talk with Beatrice and Sarah then sarah had to go for her badminton thingjumi so beatrice and i sorta went window shopping and laughed at everything we saw. seriously, i just realised beatrice and i (or more like beatrice realised just now. i realised it quite a while back haha) laugh at the whole world. we laugh at a pretty small girl cuz we laughed at an acne infected adolescent. we laugh at mannequins because beatrice ends up laughing at me pounding at the glass window. it's damn funny seriously.
come to think of it, all my friends and the people i hang around with laugh at everything! (okay maybe it's just me but i'm humourous. i
find humour. habit of mind is it not?) haha this is kinda nice, considering it's only happening in sec school. ahh, i find youth such a humourous comedy +D
okay, continuing on my nodame cantabile now. shhhhht. no interruptions tanjewberrymuds. (people who got this email should be on the floor now. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!)
procastinating at 7:30 AM
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